Training a Tiger or Raisng a Retard?

Now let me say Webernet that it truly saddens me to write ill of Tiger Woods and I have held my tongue long enough...but here it is.
When Earl Woods(the main source of insanity and probably to blame for a whole lot of shit wrong with Tiger) wrote his book Training a Tiger I doubt he thought it would need to be renamed, Raising a Retard, or Fathering a Freaking Cheater, or even Instructing an Idiot. It seems that the prince of golf has now fallen and can't get up.
First I ask this. WHAT THE HELL was he thinking?! Did he really think that he could screw around and it would remain a secret? Does he not read the news? Obama could crap on the White House front lawn and keep it a secret easier than this!!
Second I need to know why he would risk his reputation for girls who are not nearly as hot as his own wife. Now it very well may be that she is completely frigid and they don't get along in real life. That is still no excuse for cheating but would explain a tiny portion of what is really happening. I think at this point he needs to dish on his private life if there is a chance of saving his reputation. If she is some crazy psycho bitch who has an airtight marriage contract with him then this may have been his only way out. The kids will be hard to explain on any level unless that was her part of the deal.
I feel bad for both of them b/c I dont see how you come back from this. 1 mistress maybe....but now the closet door is bulging with women who say they have a had golf date with the Tiger. And the nightclub that has a room named for him? There is no pitch shot in the world that can get him out of that bunker!
Did his wife kick his ass that morning or perhaps his mother got wind of the truth and decided she had a different method of training a Tiger. We will most likely never know and it will drive the media machine NUTS!
I believe, in my heart, that Earl Woods irrevocably screwed his own kid up. Who could possibly be that perfect and driven to succeed and not have a screw loose? Has he ever been able to screw up? Is he allowed to show his flaws? Not in today's world. As many people as there are supporting you there are waiting to kick you when you are down. (This particular group is surely growing under the leadership of Ernie Els)
Perhaps this was all a big temper tantrum on Tiger's part? Perhaps he is taking lessons from Jon Gosselin and wants to recapture his youth( that got taken from him by golf)? At some point he will have to talk to the media in some form and I seriously hope that the person at the reigns of that interview is someone with integrity like Katie Couric or Matt Lauer...even Oprah at this point.

When I grow up...

I am sitting here watching Weeds, only the BEST freakin show ever made and I have decided that I want to be Mary Louise Parker. Not because she has a size 4 ass and waggle free upper arms , damn skinny biotch, but because she makes being stressed sexy. She really works it! My stress just makes me eat more, grow a bigger ass, and yell at my kids. Not at all sexy. Reality lacks the appeal that TV shows have. I guess I would prefer a life with a husband and kids that respect me instead of losing my husband suddenly...of course if he were to drop dead jogging, which will never happen since he doesn't jog, but anyway I wouldn't need to sell weed...just invest the 2 million I got from the insurance. Of course if he were to say, oh get hit by a car while jogging, I would be sitting on 4 million and typing this from St. Thomas.
So tonight I took my son over to his friend's house and they boarded a limo party bus to go to dinner and the Home Coming dance. WTF? A limo for a dance? Apparently this is common place with this family who live here in town while also owning a house in the country on a mere 50 acres. Dude just love telling that story...blah blah blah...look at me Mr. Wonderful crazy ass Jehovahs Witness bragging douche...hey he can be Douche bag of the Day!! My first one! Yes he qualifies for sure. Over and out audience...off to bed.

I love Phil

Let me just say that have now discovered Philip DeFranco(one "l" in Philip please) and I am loving his vlogs!! This guy says what we all think and it is high time that we all express ourselves just a bit more honestly like Phil does.
Phil even goes as far as to crown the "douchebag of the day." That is an award that I feel they should create those nice car magnets for. You could just slap one on the asshole neighbor's car and he could drive off the work with the world knowing just what a complete douche he really is. I think I may have to buy one of these for the ass nextdoor.

Anyway, Phil is by far the funniest guy on the internet and you will surely enjoy watching his M-Th vlogs. Check him out!

It's just another manic mornin

My mornings may be the freakin death of me I swear. It starts off with me sneaking out of bed to make some coffee while hoping that the baby doesn't roll off our ridiculously high mattress and kill himself. As soon as I get it made I dash back upstairs to retrieve him b/c 9 out of 10 times he is stirring at this point. I swear my kids have radar when it comes to my ass. Anyway, with coffee in hand I begin to scroll through what has been recorded on the DVR. Doesn't sound bad does it? Well at 6:20 the fun begins.
Down to the basement I trek with baby in tow. Casey get up. Casey get up. Casey get up. It is not until I see him rise vertically out of the bed and begin walking toward the shower that I feel it is safe to go back up the stairs. Like his father he has the ability to fall back into a deep coma-like sleep before my feet hit the top step if I leave too soon. I have about 10 more minutes before he comes up and I begin trying to find something to accompany his cherry coke or frappacino. Yes at the rip old age of almost 14 he needs his morning caffeine rush! We sit together and watch recorded episodes of South Park and chuckle. Does anyone understand half of what Cartman says or even 1/10 of what Kenny says?
He leaves at about 7:05 to make the short walk over the HS. Then the real fun begins. Time to wake the other 4-oh joy.
Now why is it that every morning I must ask the same questions? WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST? DID YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH? Now my kids have a very large variety of items to pick from in the morning. Waffles, pancakes, cereal, poptarts, toast, eggs, fruit....am I missing something? Why is that not sufficient? My next favorite battle is packing lunch/and or snack. Same deal. I have a overly stocked pantry yet no one finds anything the like. I scramble to get 3 kids out the door by 8:15. It really irks me to no end that they go up to their rooms yet forget to brush their teeth. And don't tell me you did and think for a minute that I won't go check your toothbrush after you leave! Who the hell would want to go to school with a mouthful of overnight fungus you ask? My kids don't seem to mind but you can sure bet their friends care! Nasty. Between missing socks and hairbrush, that I swear has leg, I am betting my blood pressure is 180/100 by the time the bus rumbles down the street!
Jeffrey is the last out the door and he gets dropped at preschool. God bless the preschool that takes this little terror off my hands for 3 hours in the morning! They even meet you at the car to get them out and then puts them back in when you pull up. Kind of like drive-thru service! Very nice when the baby is asleep in the car. I have 3 hours to get my self organized and clean-up the now wrecked kitchen. It's just another manic morning!!

Posers-No longer for me

This term is a favorite of my 14 year old son. A poser is simply someone who pretends to be something they know nothing about. For instance, a" mother" who pretends to obsess about cleanliness and germs yet one look at the kids and you know the real deal. The "father" who doesn't want to see the really inappropriate behaviors of his children and hasn't the balls to stand up to his wife to discipline them. The "husband" who bitches about his wife and kids whenever they aren't around. The "DIL" who puts on the happy family face when around the IL's and really hasn't had a genuine relationship with them since ...well never. Why must we be posers? Why do we put this burden on ourselves to be something we aren't? And most of all when someone no longer wants to be a poser must they be the bad guy? Seriously since when has living a genuine life been bad?
I used to be that person who had to smooth over family strife and play nice. Not so much anymore. If I get called on the carpet for admitting that I really don't prefer to spend time with my extended family then so be it! If I have nothing in common with them why should I? It isn't like they would really care if I fell off the face of the earth anyway. I have no need to write in code or make subtle accusations. I have tried to keep the good relations with my family and absolutely will no longer try. Here are some of the burning questions that need to be answered:

1. Why don't I visit? Well first of all there is nothing in NY that interests me and I have 6 very active kids who need me here as I run the house. Some of us pretend to run the house and put all of the work off on our husbands-that's not me. Where do you put 8 people? Not in a small ass house. Do I really want my kids picking up some really nasty bad behavior habits? No. Do my kids even want to spend time with their cousins-not really. Lastly is the fact that I really don't want to be where I am not welcome.

2. Are my kids normal? Yes as a matter of fact they are very normal. I see very little behaviors that would lead me to raise a red flag in them. I discipline them and nurture them. I do not coddle and ignore behaviors that are EXTREMELY inappropriate. I crack the whip and make them act their ages-plain and simple.

3. Am I a hypocrite? No. I simply speak my mind and call a spade a spade. My family is full of spades who prefer to see themselves as diamonds.

4. Who really deserves my time? My family living at 699 Gold Cup Dr. That's all the people who have earned it. As far as I can tell all that are outside these walls are posers who kiss ass to look good and really aren't genuine. The few exceptions live in PA and TX and they know who they are!
Ask me how I really feel.

Tori and Dean

I truly love this show. The relationship between them is just glorious at times. Tori is out there about a lot of things as is Dean. The episodes that feature dog poop are priceless. Sometimes I see Tori as a daughter. There are times I want to shake her and tell her that she needs to stop looking for her mother to validate her because it will never happen. It took me 38 years to get it myself. She has a jealous mother. I know because we have that in common. Dean is a great husband who treats Tori like a woman. She is a hands on mom that has made a name for herself in Hollywood and is not just someone's wife. I don't ever recalling hearing Candy Spelling's name until it was mentioned in correlation with Tori. Her book sales will only occur as a result of the feud with her daughter. As a stand alone Candy Spelling is pretty much nothing and resents Tori. Once Tori realizes that she will move on. I want to hold her at times and tell her that as long as she keeps in her mind that she wants to be different than her mom she will. It will be a struggle at times though to block out the negativity and darkness that she grew up with. Children learn what they live and she needs to realize that she has to undo some of the damage and learn to forgive herself when she finds herself slipping into Candylike habits. Perhaps her mom thought she was doing a good job? Another area I can relate to.
As a peer I see her a working mom who has a great sense of humor and lucky to have a wonderful man and cute kids. If I ran into her on the street I doubt I would even consider an autograph. I just don't see her as a celebrity for some reason. I am in no way knocking her achievements or success! I just see her as a mom to Stella and Liam because that is where we have so much in common. I would more be interested in hearing her views on my decorating and finding out what she reads!

"Vacation" the play

Vacation this summer ended up being much like a classic Shakespearean play. The colorful cast of characters explains it all.
Father-in-law: Oblivious to the rest of the world, avid TV watcher who has no clue that people like channels other than CNN and old movies, diabetic who eats total crap he shouldn't and really large quantities of...well just about anything, deaf as a door nob except to hear that dinner is ready, first to the food always and takes as much of everything before anyone else without regard to the fact that we need to feed 13 people,exceptionally hairy and gross in many ways.
Mother:the model martyr who loudly talks about things to annoy people("well I don't really watch that much TV" or "Grandma can help you as soon as I get some of everyone's laundry done", currently on break from her ongoing life long role as the Shrew in the play, "The Wimp and the Shrew"(also starring my dad), low carb wannabe who proclaims not to eat certain things but always seems to eat everything in front of her, the total hypochondriac who after a real brush with illness was ready to "end it all" if her health did not improve(oh please), self proclaimed vacation laundress and cook because I apparently can't manage to do those tasks myself, starts every sentence with, "Since I was sick last summer....", hypocrite who favors my youngest sister and literally RAN to answer the phone incase it was her(yes mom there is caller ID for missed calls), feels the need to interject her 2 unwanted cents into every situation possible, finds a way to refute or knock everything I manage to say b/c I have yet to learn that I will never get validation about ANYTHING, expert on many topics even if she has only done it/seen it/ been there once.
Father: currently on break from his role of the Wimp yet still managing to hang on to all the character traits, has acquired selective deafness to keep him from killing his wife, total cookie sneaker lest he get nagged about eating things her shouldn't(athough the nag constantly "tries" pieces of things as if they are new and she has never seen them before), horrible at family gatherings where he bitches about noise and chaos(don't go anywhere with me then), guilty of road rage often, oblivious of how to make his mate of 45 years happy( but then this may be one of life's mysteries up there with "what came first the chicken or the egg"), bithces 99% of the time behind my mother's back(hence the name wimp).
The kids: Normal every day kids who are guilty of things that most kids yet seem to be treated as if they aren't. Since when is pushing buttons, badgering, manipulation, and throwing fits not normal?
Husband:Kind and helpful, yet in denial about how horrible beach vacations are for the mother of an infant who hates the car, heat, and sun, insistent on packing up freakin golf clubs in a crowded van to play one lousy time because this is a BEACH vacation, not a GOLF vacation, has learned to cut down the MIL successfully since she won't fight with him.
Me: painfully short tempered at times with my kids and DH out of frustration, has yet to learn that her relationship with her mother will be much like Tori and Candy Spellings except that we see each other all the time, needs to let go of trying for the perfect family vacation as it will never happen, will never again vacation with parents on either side as the pain is not worth it AT ALL.

So that is the cast and you can guess how the week went just by the character descriptions. Sad.