It's just another manic mornin

My mornings may be the freakin death of me I swear. It starts off with me sneaking out of bed to make some coffee while hoping that the baby doesn't roll off our ridiculously high mattress and kill himself. As soon as I get it made I dash back upstairs to retrieve him b/c 9 out of 10 times he is stirring at this point. I swear my kids have radar when it comes to my ass. Anyway, with coffee in hand I begin to scroll through what has been recorded on the DVR. Doesn't sound bad does it? Well at 6:20 the fun begins.
Down to the basement I trek with baby in tow. Casey get up. Casey get up. Casey get up. It is not until I see him rise vertically out of the bed and begin walking toward the shower that I feel it is safe to go back up the stairs. Like his father he has the ability to fall back into a deep coma-like sleep before my feet hit the top step if I leave too soon. I have about 10 more minutes before he comes up and I begin trying to find something to accompany his cherry coke or frappacino. Yes at the rip old age of almost 14 he needs his morning caffeine rush! We sit together and watch recorded episodes of South Park and chuckle. Does anyone understand half of what Cartman says or even 1/10 of what Kenny says?
He leaves at about 7:05 to make the short walk over the HS. Then the real fun begins. Time to wake the other 4-oh joy.
Now why is it that every morning I must ask the same questions? WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST? DID YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH? Now my kids have a very large variety of items to pick from in the morning. Waffles, pancakes, cereal, poptarts, toast, eggs, fruit....am I missing something? Why is that not sufficient? My next favorite battle is packing lunch/and or snack. Same deal. I have a overly stocked pantry yet no one finds anything the like. I scramble to get 3 kids out the door by 8:15. It really irks me to no end that they go up to their rooms yet forget to brush their teeth. And don't tell me you did and think for a minute that I won't go check your toothbrush after you leave! Who the hell would want to go to school with a mouthful of overnight fungus you ask? My kids don't seem to mind but you can sure bet their friends care! Nasty. Between missing socks and hairbrush, that I swear has leg, I am betting my blood pressure is 180/100 by the time the bus rumbles down the street!
Jeffrey is the last out the door and he gets dropped at preschool. God bless the preschool that takes this little terror off my hands for 3 hours in the morning! They even meet you at the car to get them out and then puts them back in when you pull up. Kind of like drive-thru service! Very nice when the baby is asleep in the car. I have 3 hours to get my self organized and clean-up the now wrecked kitchen. It's just another manic morning!!

Posers-No longer for me

This term is a favorite of my 14 year old son. A poser is simply someone who pretends to be something they know nothing about. For instance, a" mother" who pretends to obsess about cleanliness and germs yet one look at the kids and you know the real deal. The "father" who doesn't want to see the really inappropriate behaviors of his children and hasn't the balls to stand up to his wife to discipline them. The "husband" who bitches about his wife and kids whenever they aren't around. The "DIL" who puts on the happy family face when around the IL's and really hasn't had a genuine relationship with them since ...well never. Why must we be posers? Why do we put this burden on ourselves to be something we aren't? And most of all when someone no longer wants to be a poser must they be the bad guy? Seriously since when has living a genuine life been bad?
I used to be that person who had to smooth over family strife and play nice. Not so much anymore. If I get called on the carpet for admitting that I really don't prefer to spend time with my extended family then so be it! If I have nothing in common with them why should I? It isn't like they would really care if I fell off the face of the earth anyway. I have no need to write in code or make subtle accusations. I have tried to keep the good relations with my family and absolutely will no longer try. Here are some of the burning questions that need to be answered:

1. Why don't I visit? Well first of all there is nothing in NY that interests me and I have 6 very active kids who need me here as I run the house. Some of us pretend to run the house and put all of the work off on our husbands-that's not me. Where do you put 8 people? Not in a small ass house. Do I really want my kids picking up some really nasty bad behavior habits? No. Do my kids even want to spend time with their cousins-not really. Lastly is the fact that I really don't want to be where I am not welcome.

2. Are my kids normal? Yes as a matter of fact they are very normal. I see very little behaviors that would lead me to raise a red flag in them. I discipline them and nurture them. I do not coddle and ignore behaviors that are EXTREMELY inappropriate. I crack the whip and make them act their ages-plain and simple.

3. Am I a hypocrite? No. I simply speak my mind and call a spade a spade. My family is full of spades who prefer to see themselves as diamonds.

4. Who really deserves my time? My family living at 699 Gold Cup Dr. That's all the people who have earned it. As far as I can tell all that are outside these walls are posers who kiss ass to look good and really aren't genuine. The few exceptions live in PA and TX and they know who they are!
Ask me how I really feel.

Tori and Dean

I truly love this show. The relationship between them is just glorious at times. Tori is out there about a lot of things as is Dean. The episodes that feature dog poop are priceless. Sometimes I see Tori as a daughter. There are times I want to shake her and tell her that she needs to stop looking for her mother to validate her because it will never happen. It took me 38 years to get it myself. She has a jealous mother. I know because we have that in common. Dean is a great husband who treats Tori like a woman. She is a hands on mom that has made a name for herself in Hollywood and is not just someone's wife. I don't ever recalling hearing Candy Spelling's name until it was mentioned in correlation with Tori. Her book sales will only occur as a result of the feud with her daughter. As a stand alone Candy Spelling is pretty much nothing and resents Tori. Once Tori realizes that she will move on. I want to hold her at times and tell her that as long as she keeps in her mind that she wants to be different than her mom she will. It will be a struggle at times though to block out the negativity and darkness that she grew up with. Children learn what they live and she needs to realize that she has to undo some of the damage and learn to forgive herself when she finds herself slipping into Candylike habits. Perhaps her mom thought she was doing a good job? Another area I can relate to.
As a peer I see her a working mom who has a great sense of humor and lucky to have a wonderful man and cute kids. If I ran into her on the street I doubt I would even consider an autograph. I just don't see her as a celebrity for some reason. I am in no way knocking her achievements or success! I just see her as a mom to Stella and Liam because that is where we have so much in common. I would more be interested in hearing her views on my decorating and finding out what she reads!

"Vacation" the play

Vacation this summer ended up being much like a classic Shakespearean play. The colorful cast of characters explains it all.
Father-in-law: Oblivious to the rest of the world, avid TV watcher who has no clue that people like channels other than CNN and old movies, diabetic who eats total crap he shouldn't and really large quantities of...well just about anything, deaf as a door nob except to hear that dinner is ready, first to the food always and takes as much of everything before anyone else without regard to the fact that we need to feed 13 people,exceptionally hairy and gross in many ways.
Mother:the model martyr who loudly talks about things to annoy people("well I don't really watch that much TV" or "Grandma can help you as soon as I get some of everyone's laundry done", currently on break from her ongoing life long role as the Shrew in the play, "The Wimp and the Shrew"(also starring my dad), low carb wannabe who proclaims not to eat certain things but always seems to eat everything in front of her, the total hypochondriac who after a real brush with illness was ready to "end it all" if her health did not improve(oh please), self proclaimed vacation laundress and cook because I apparently can't manage to do those tasks myself, starts every sentence with, "Since I was sick last summer....", hypocrite who favors my youngest sister and literally RAN to answer the phone incase it was her(yes mom there is caller ID for missed calls), feels the need to interject her 2 unwanted cents into every situation possible, finds a way to refute or knock everything I manage to say b/c I have yet to learn that I will never get validation about ANYTHING, expert on many topics even if she has only done it/seen it/ been there once.
Father: currently on break from his role of the Wimp yet still managing to hang on to all the character traits, has acquired selective deafness to keep him from killing his wife, total cookie sneaker lest he get nagged about eating things her shouldn't(athough the nag constantly "tries" pieces of things as if they are new and she has never seen them before), horrible at family gatherings where he bitches about noise and chaos(don't go anywhere with me then), guilty of road rage often, oblivious of how to make his mate of 45 years happy( but then this may be one of life's mysteries up there with "what came first the chicken or the egg"), bithces 99% of the time behind my mother's back(hence the name wimp).
The kids: Normal every day kids who are guilty of things that most kids yet seem to be treated as if they aren't. Since when is pushing buttons, badgering, manipulation, and throwing fits not normal?
Husband:Kind and helpful, yet in denial about how horrible beach vacations are for the mother of an infant who hates the car, heat, and sun, insistent on packing up freakin golf clubs in a crowded van to play one lousy time because this is a BEACH vacation, not a GOLF vacation, has learned to cut down the MIL successfully since she won't fight with him.
Me: painfully short tempered at times with my kids and DH out of frustration, has yet to learn that her relationship with her mother will be much like Tori and Candy Spellings except that we see each other all the time, needs to let go of trying for the perfect family vacation as it will never happen, will never again vacation with parents on either side as the pain is not worth it AT ALL.

So that is the cast and you can guess how the week went just by the character descriptions. Sad.

A Few of my Favorite Things

Okay I am not trying to jack Oprah's idea here but as a mom there are a few things I feel that most of us couldn't live without!
First let me say that this post is not for the young and motherless as you may start to feel bile rise into your throat as you read this. "Can life really be this pathetic after kids?" you will ask. "You have no idea" will be the answer! Before kids I would have had a cool list of things including Starbucks paper cup wraps or those neat little things that go over your high heel tips to prevent you from sinking into the ground at the outdoor party. Sorry but those days are gone so deal with it. I have.
So my first favorite thing is the ziploc bag. Now it doesn't have to be a particular brand, although the pricier brands are better in my opinion. This bag works wonders in so many different ways! Stank diaper in the car while traveling? Zip it. Vomit in the car? Zip it. Ice for a scraped knee? Temporary home for the goldfish won at the county fair? A place to store those ridiculously small toy parts that you will inevitably step on and curse at? ZIP IT!! I can only assume that this crafty, although not environmentally friendly, little critter was devised by a desperate mom but probably not.

My second is the cherry pitter! Oh now I really have your attention! Yes there is such a thing that I picked up in Bed Bath & Beyond. This would fit in the BEYOND category since it is far beyond anything that you would use in the bed or bath and is ridiculously indulgent. Anyway, this little device is so wonderful I cannot gush enough about it! I seriously hate dealing with cherries and the pit mess that the kids leave behind and fret about how to get cherries into fruit salad without leaving someone with a broken tooth or choking! Problem solved. Just put it in, press down, and the pit is poked out no problemo! Seriously a great little invention.

The last is coupons. Oh how I love my coupons! Not in the Kate Gosselin MUST USE A COUPON ON EVERYTHING OR DIE kind of way but just as game to save money. Why more people don't use these is beyond me! Just having learned how to "read" a coupon has made this even more fun but that is topic of my next post. Coupons are money in your wallet! A $1 Q(as we savvy couponers call them) is like a dollar in your hand! They even put them in the store hanging by the product for crying out loud! Attach them to the product even! They all but beg you to buy the damn product from them for less money. If you save $5 each week then in one year you can pocket over $250!!! That's a Coach purse ladies!

Clothing Boards

I will admit it! I belong to several of these boards and they are for the totally sick. Obsessing about kids clothes and when the next sale will be. Seriously people get a life! The worst by far if Gymbofriends. Some of these seriously need to step back from the screen and take a look at what they have been reduced to. No one, and repeat no one but you gives a flying fig about what your kid is wearing.
Now that being said I also admit that I obsess over what my kids wear. There is something to be said for fist impressions. I hate dirty children...except when they are playing outside of course! Hey, I'm no Kate the great! I like my kids to go out looking neat, coordinated, and most of all clean. I have a friend whose DD puts on some of the nastiest outfits and sometimes has the greasiest hair. Tyrolean Lure jeans with a Freshly Picked top-yuck! What is that about? This is the same child that picks on my DD for wearing heels and dresses and skirts. What can I say? Oldest DD likes to "pop"! She is a performer and loves attention and most of all won't go out of the house unless she matches...thank GOD! As a former teacher I have to say you do notice those things. Sad but true.
I find the more time I spend on the boards the more money I spend. My friends like that I have inside scoop about sales, couponing deals, and ways to get things free or really cheap yet barely get on the computer most days. How do you live your life without being on the internet? Some days I wish that were me. I am a slave to this stupid thing and long to be free. But there is crap to explore, deals to be had, and money to be made!
Plus who else could come on here and ramble incesently about stupid shit for the entertainment of others?

He's fallen and can't get up!

The King of Pop I mean. Truly I keep thinking about the demise of Michael Jackson and Ihave very mixed feelings. Was he an extraordinary artist with massive talent? Hell yes he was. Was he a complete freakin wack job with major issues? Hell yes he was.
Was there a chance that he could grow up normally? I doubt it. I mean he was a media darling early one when Joe wasn't beating the hell out of him. Of course he was perfectionist. I'm sure Daddy dearest took care of that need for him. It was his need to be with young boys that scared me the most. Seriously Michael? Did you not see that sharing a bed with a young boy, no matter how innocent your intentions, is just plain sick. Did you see the bedroom on the Matt Lauer interview? Small to say the least. All the better to catch little boys in I'm sure. I think he truly was trying to relive his childhood by surrounding himself with children and toys. The pale face thing? Well I might be persuaded to believe he had a skin disorder that prompted the lightening of all of it....but the plastic surgery...freakish at best. Honestly, why fuck your face up that bad? Was it an attempt to become "white"? I mean he bought sperm to get Debbie Rowe pregnant in order to have light skinned, fair haired children? Are we to believe that he fathered them? It's public knowledge he didn't. I'm sure he was a great dad if you need a full time playmate. Food and physical care was probably best left to the nanny.
Now as for all of the die-hard fans that have now come out of the woodwork...whatever. I liked him back in the day but today? I'm sure he was still a great performer but he was 50. A 50 year old freak! Probably a total perv as well. Save all the candles and accolades for people who actually did something to help the world. All of his time and effort went into stupid Neverland. He was no Oprah that's for sure.
Now he is gone and we will never know if his comeback was noteworthy. Sadly he has gone the way of Elvis and so many others who let fame steal their lives. I am tempted to download a whole bunch of songs onto my Ipod today. His music was great but let's be real people. If he were anyone else he would have been stoned in the streets for the shit he pulled. As a person he sucked. Dangling a baby off a balcony? I rest my case.